4 comments

My Personal Experience with Mental Health Issues

My principal qualification for addressing the subject of ‘Mental Health Issues” isn’t my degrees, my involvement in varies aspects of Ministry, my many voluntary Youth Work, my being the President of the St. Vincent and the Grenadines (SVG) Schools Guidance Counsellors Association or the many years as a Teacher, and now Guidance Counsellor in one of the Secondary Schools in SVG. It is my own history of struggles.  

I had been a depression-prone, anxiety-prone, emotionally-fragile person who sometimes found it a lot easier to encourage others than to encourage myself. I’m a soldier in the army of Christ who marches with a limp. Yet I’m still in the fight, only by the grace of God.

Therefore, I am not sharing with you from a pre-eminent perspective, as someone who has apprehended life but as someone who is zealous to transmit what sustains and empowers me. For a few years now I have been inspired to share my story and to be an advocate for Mental Health. However, because of the stigma attached to Mental Health I was afraid but I believe that the time has come for me to do whatever it will take to sensitize our people about Mental Health. Hence, I would like to take this opportunity to share with you my story.

“Over a decade ago I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder and the Eating Disorders Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa due to the following chain of events that took place in my life from a child. 

I was born into a large nuclear family the eight of 11 children and the last girl. I have eight brothers and two sisters. At the tender age of six years old, my parents separated, my mother left our home and went to live elsewhere. After which my last brother was born. A few years later my two younger brothers went to live with our mother. I remained in the family home with my father and older siblings being the youngest at home then. I was very sheltered and protected but I never bonded with either of my parents and we never had much of a relationship.

I grew up in a religious family. Therefore, from a child I was involved in Sunday school and Church activities, and at an early age in my childhood I gave my life to Christ. I have been living a Christian life since then with no desire for any other. Thus, I thought that automatically all my experiences would have gone away and I would not have had to confront them so I “swept them under a mat”. I mastered the art of “masking” and lived pretending they never happened. That did not work for I was relentlessly plagued by my experiences. Nevertheless, I had hope that one day God will deliver me so I continued to trust in Him.

As a child, I was sexually abused. Therefore, I often had nightmares and flashbacks of the abuse. Those nightmares and flashbacks continued during my adolescent and young adulthood and sometimes even up to now. Yet, I never mentioned it to anyone at the time because I was afraid that no one would have believed me and I never trusted anyone. I thought that it was all a bad dream but with the recurring nightmares and flashbacks, I remembered the abuse. Thus, I was very confused and overwhelmed.

I blamed myself for the abuse and felt guilty for not telling anyone when it happened. I believed that if I had not slept at nights then I could have prevented it. Hence, I decided never to sleep at nights again. That behaviour resulted in my having insomnia. Moreover, I believed that because I didn’t do anything to stop it and was aroused during the abuse, it meant that I wanted it to happen. Hence, I felt ashamed, guilty and unclean. Consequently, I took regular long bathes washing from head to toe, and was obsessed with purging, trying to be clean but to no avail.

Several adults who knew me as a child told me that I was a very friendly, assertive and brave child. However, in my early adolescent I became very introverted, indecisive, a perfectionist, obsessed with neatness and order, and had low self-esteem. I was also very angry and fearful of almost any and every thing. In addition, I was paranoid of men and experienced frequent anxiety attacks whenever I was in the presence of men. Hence, except for going to school, and Church functions I did not go out so as to avoid coming into contact with men. I also experienced frequent anxiety attacks in other situations. I isolated myself from others because of a fear of rejection, and decided not to have female friends because I was afraid to be labelled as a lesbian. Therefore, I spent most of my time locked up in my room.

I felt out of control of my life and believed I was in control only when I exercised excessively, took consistent long bathes, purged and starved herself. I evaded social events especially those that involved food such as dinners. Moreover, because I had developed Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa, I regularly suffered from chronic gastritis, acid reflux and irritable bowel syndrome as well as intense migraine headache. In addition, I frequently blackout due to fainting spells. Furthermore, as a result of suffering with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder, I had recurrent suicidal ideations and had attempted suicide several times. Likewise, I lived in a perpetual fear of having relapses so I resorted to living in a cocoon.

As recent as early this year, I experienced another health crisis and had to travel overseas to the USA for urgent medical attention. On my quest for medical treatment in the USA I had a major surgery. It was a surgery that I was not prepared to undergo. As a matter of fact, I wanted to give up and again, depression, anxiety and suicide became the order of my days.

Along with seeing the psychiatrist and a psychologist here in SVG, I have had privileged opportunities to be treated for mental health issues overseas, both in Barbados and the USA.

The first time I was hospitalised on a psychiatric ward was in Barbados. I remembered there were several young people on that ward which was surprizing to me. It also gave me a sense of belonging as I realised that I was not alone. I thought to myself that I was of the perception that only adults suffered from mental illnesses. I had this view because from a child I regularly visited the Mental Health Rehabilitation Centre here and there were only adults there then.

As someone suffering with ill mental health I encountered various challenges that hindered me from having a speedy recovery.

One of the challenges that I experienced in my mental health treatment was that of being compliant with medications. I was non-compliant because I was made to believe, mainly by some important persons in the Christian community, that taking medications was not necessary. I was accused of prayerlessness and lack of faith in God. Hence, I was confused and struggled with the need to take medications. I didn’t want to be judged for taking medications.

Another challenge was that of trust. Because of my experiences I did not easily trust others. The accusations of prayerlessness and lack of faith in God only caused me not to trust even more. As a result, I also found difficulty building meaningful relationships.

There was also the fear of being misunderstood by others. There were persons who didn’t understand the manifestations of mental illnesses, therefore, they were impatient with me and faulted me of being lazy, selfish, evil, mean, and even crazy. Hence, I built thick mental walls around me in order to protect myself, and I lived in isolation. Not wanting to be a bother or a burden to anyone.

Yet another challenge was that of seeking psychosocial help. The stigma attached to persons who are known to seek counselling and psychotherapy for mental health issues was what I wanted to avoid most. As I felt that it would reflect negatively on my career. However, as a Counsellor and an aspiring Clinical Psychologist, I had to ask herself, “How much do I believe in what I do to seek it for myself when I need it?”

I later understood that both medications and psychosocial support, as well as prayers and faith in God all have their important role in my complete healing and health. I realised that taking medications and seeking counselling don’t mean that one is weak, or that one doesn’t have faith in God.

As a matter of fact, I remember that while I was being treated at a Behavioural Health facility in the USA, the psychiatrist whom I saw encouraged me to write a book in which the differences between mental illnesses and spiritual oppression would be clarified. I have taken his encouragement and am currently in the process of writing that book along with a book of my life’s voyage.

I can say assuredly that I have come a long way in overcoming the aforementioned challenges as a result of the care and support I have received over the years. 

I must say that the care and support I have received, especially both in Barbados and the USA were overwhelmingly amazing. My experiences have made me realise how much our country is lacking in caring for and empathizing with the mentally challenged, and how much our society is cruel to persons suffering from mental illnesses.

Today I confidently declare that according to the odds that were against me, I shouldn’t be here today. For the series of struggles I have had since childhood, especially adolescent with major depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, as well as the numerous times I have tried to commit suicide, I should have been either dead or in a mental hospital…BUT God! I never would have made it without medications, my faith in God, and the special, precious people whom God sent into my life at every juncture as my support system.

They prayed for me relentlessly. Some of them counselled and encouraged me patiently. They are all to me gifts from God and I certainly give God thanks for all of them as my support system. I was deceived into believing that I had no support system and that I could have “gone it alone”, so I isolated. I know now that those who are for me are so much more than those who are against me. For the Greater One lives inside of me, therefore, I now have HOPE, as “…Christ in me is the hope of glory”! (Colossians 1:27).

I believe that my life’s struggles were not in vain and that there are many people who have had similar experiences as mine and who are still hurting, whose lives would be transformed positively after encountering my story. I have no doubt that my purpose in life includes, “comforting other with the comfort I have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:4). Thus, I passionately pursue and seize every opportunity to demonstrate God’s love and peace to a hurting world.

If you are reading this and you have experienced or still experiencing any of the above mentioned issues; or you know of a friend, loved one or colleague who is struggling; I would like you to know that you are not alone and you do not have to stay in a place of distress. Be patient and trust God. God is able, more than able to deliver you as He has done it for me. Be encouraged my friend and know that you are in my prayers.

God Bless you!